#sorry im having a knickle day

[365daysofmarysa]

that song came on at work today

you know the one

its really well known but i dont like to think of it like that

i think of it as our song

the one we played after we shotgunned the "big" beers and ran around that little swiss town

breathing in the mountain air, searching for that lion head statue

the one you asked ryan to play, we all screamed out all the words

that was five years ago but it couldve been yesterday, i replay that memory so much

we went off by ourselves at one point and oh my god i knew that you knew that night

we joked with everyone about jumping off that bridge, and everyone else laughed but you and me both knew there was more truth to it than anything else

fuck man i miss you

and im sorry

and i wish you would've let me in

i know you tried to

i missed my shot because i was too worried about protecting myself

god i miss you

i wish you were here, still breathing, still warm, still you

still yelling at ryan to play the killers on repeat

fuck man

theres not a day i dont wish i could fucking take your place

tag you back into the world and let me out

i just love you so much

you have so much more to give

fuck

and i dont have anything more to give

fuck

i miss you so fucking much

i love you so fucking much

why the fuck does this keep happening

why to us

why i dont fucking indersyand

this doesnt make sense

and i canr fuckinh breathe anymore FUCK

this is so fucking cruel

yhis is so fucking heartless

and why does no one fucking talk about it

why did you have to hide in the dark corner why did i

i remember the day i tried to kill myself and then i had to fucking get on with my day after

i went out for fucking dinner at school after

and i had to excuse myself from it so i ciuld go hide in the fuxking staircase and tru to

breathe for four hours

fuck

why am i back here

why were you there

why cqnt i seperate anything

why cant my pills make

me all better

why fant i force myself to take them anymore

why fid they let this happen to YOU

i fucking miss you jason fuck i font fucking understand But i totally fucking understand

this i s garbage why does nothing make sense why arent thungs just rught and good and nott fucking chaotic why am i losing my fucking mind again holy fuck

i miss uou

and i hate that fucking song because it always reminds me

and i hTe my fucking self becauee i always remember

and i lov eyou i dint know why the world let you go

or how

because my grip is still

so

string mh knickles wjite

from

holding on how the fuck could anyone let you go

thi s was supposed to be pretty and a memory and make you come back but it just makes me want to slit mh wrisys all over again

fuck i miss hiu

i hope its better this way because if its not then its a big fuckinh wasye and j dint understand